Yet another lesson Self-Acceptance (5/2/11)

We got a new front door.  That means paint.  For those of you who know me and my type A personality, it comes without question that the painting will not limited to the new door but will include the adjoining rooms and while we are at it, why not do all the rooms?   If you are going to make a mess, then make a mess! And so it begins.  I was ready.

I dug out my old paint pants, knowing full well they were going to be a little snug.  But to my dismay, they were more than that, they were tight!  I was disappointed, but continued wearing them as they are the only ones I have.

I went about my day, thinking all morning about my jeans.  I could feel myself getting more anxious.  I began to think about our discussion in our Intuitive Eating support group last night… and losing weight.  I began questioning my beliefs.  I started wondering what I was “doing wrong”.  I thought about the scale.  I thought about how many calories I had eaten already… I began thinking all these things and felt bad, real bad.  My painting, instead of the refreshing facelift I wanted for my house, became a tedious chore.

My thoughts shifted to my dieting days.  Contemplating new diets was always exciting!  Whenever I felt like I did today, dieting was my answer!  There was something wrong with me and was going to be proactive and fix it!  At least that’s how it used to be.  As I began to really remember, I got beyond the “exciting” part.  I thought about restricting calories, keeping food logs, being hungry, feeling deprived, being upset and the food police…. I remembered how I would be “very good” for 3-4 days, and then I would binge and feel out of control.  The feelings of shame, guilt and ultimate failure all came flooding back to me.

My mental breaks came on!   No more!!!  My psychological health and wellbeing is too important.  I began to reflect on where I am now.  I don’t binge anymore.  I do not get anxious when I am at a party, as I was yesterday, wondering what I “can” or “can’t” eat.  I had one piece of cake and was happy and done.  I don’t beat myself up mentally anymore.  I don’t play the body check game either.  I can eat pasta and pizza and be o.k. with it.  I didn’t raid the kids Easter Baskets and feel nauseous and guilt ridden.  Yes, I like where I am much better than where I used to be.

I know it is normal to still have the desire to lose weight.  But I also know that should I drop a few pounds, it will be a nice side-effect of normalizing my relationship with food.  I am taking care of my body; the best way I know how.  I am learning a new process and it’s going to take time.

Today was a big day for me… I felt a little rocked to the core.  But I feel much more solid now.  I have re-affirmed my beliefs.  And do you want to know the irony of all this?  When I got dressed this morning to teach my class, I thought I looked good.  Amazing! I am a work in progress, and I am ready again to enjoy the journey!

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