Sticking With The Gray

I come from a place of extremes.  Before discovering Intuitive Eating, my world was black and white, right or wrong.  There was no middle ground, only perfection.   Thankfully, I am in a much different place; one that has balance and peace.  Even though I love where I am, the allure of pushing limits does still tempt me.

Housed in the back room of one of the gyms where I work is the super elite.  The extreme athletes.  They work hard.  They are strong.  They are long and they lean.  I watch them come and go as they practice.  I marvel at how they push their body to limits they may have never thought possible.  Yes, I watch them and admire them, but I don’t want to be them.

Oh the thought crosses my mind… more often than I care to admit.  I could follow the ‘cave-man’ diet, as it is referred to… eating only the foods that were available to our ancient ancestors.  I could strive to get to a place where I can see the striations in my muscles as they work towards the fitness challenge of the day.  I could apply my time and efforts there, but I realize that this temptation can bring me down and bring me down hard.

For me, the back room is the gateway to extremism.  I lived there for awhile and it was scary.  I always had to do more, weigh less, lift heavier weights… all in the name of perfection.  ‘Try harder’ was my motto.  Before long, my hour long gym sessions became several hours each day.  My diet was militant… no variance from the straight path I was on.  My self worth was dictated by the weight I could lift and the number on the scale.  It lasted for a bit, but then my body and my psyche broke down.

Professional athletes train to peak their performance for their event.  But my event was my life.  I had no particular goal, no race, no contest that I was working towards.  All I knew was that I had to keep working.  In order to maintain the weight that I was at, I had to keep working.  It didn’t matter if my body was telling me I’d had enough,  I had to keep going.  I couldn’t stop because then I would think I was ‘giving in’.  I couldn’t stop because I was afraid of getting fat.

Ironically, the things I feared most, gaining weight and not being fit, were beginning to happen to me.  I had chronic injuries.  In my efforts to stay strong, I was making my body weaker.  I started started binge eating.   I was, as I know now, rebelling against the very strict standards I had set for myself.  I was stuck and I was scared.

That was then, this is now.   My eyes have been opened to the gray.  That place somewhere in between black and white.   I realized I could not continue on in this obsessive manner.  My life was very focused and I felt accomplished but at what cost?   When I was good,  I was good.  (going to the gym every day, not eating any bad foods)  But when I was bad, I was bad!  I felt out of control.  I needed a middle ground, a balance.

It started with the exercise.  I began to give myself permission to take a day off if I needed it.  When I did, I noticed my subsequent workouts were much better.  I focused on doing the things at the gym that I truly enjoyed.  I paid more attention to how my body felt and how it responded.  I began to question how my time at the gym was going to benefit me.  As a 48 year old working mom, was a plyometric jump onto a high step going to help me or hurt me?  I began doing the things I wanted to do, not what I felt I should or needed to do.

Building on the confidence I was experiencing at the gym, my new philosophy shifted towards food.  Learning to become an Intuitive Eater made me more sensitive to my body’s needs and internal cues.  I had to pay attention.  I had to listen and trust that my body knew what was best for me.  I relaxed my food rules and the binging stopped!  I was excited!  I began to eat the foods that brought me enjoyment, satisfaction and health.  Moderation was beginning to feel good, very good.

I found that the balance was within me.  I needed to do things according to how they made me feel; working from my heart and not my head.   Thinking I needed to go to the gym for several hours/day in order to maintain a weight that was not “natural” for my body left me tired, chronically injured and frustrated.  I was listening to external values.   I was judging myself by trying to fit into a mold that was being dictated to me.  The ideals of perfection.

I like my world now.   I eat and exercise according to how it feels and how my body responds.  I am fit and I am strong.  I ask the questions, What will this food do for me?  How will I feel after I eat it?  Will this exercise help me stay healthy?  How will I feel when I am done?  What do I need to do for me today?   I ask, but more importantly, now I listen.

Yes, I will continue to admire my colleagues in the back room.  It can be thrilling taking fitness and nutrition to that level, as for me, I’m sticking with the gray 🙂

Advertisements
Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: