Gifts of Intuitive Eating… Let me count the ways

person-writing-a-listIt has been just over 4 years since I first learned of Intuitive Eating.  As I began reading it I immediately sensed that finally, somebody understands me!  This book was my answer; my way out.  I had reached diet bottom.  The thought of going on another diet was something I did not want to do, yet I was fearful of not being ‘guided’ by one.  I was spent and I was tired.  Tired of feeling as though I was not good enough, strong enough, thin enough or that I lacked willpower.  I wanted a sense of peace.

It has been quite a journey since I first opened that book.  The emotions were raw.  Fear, anxiousness, self-doubt.  Can I do this?  How can I possibly eat anything?  Can I really accept my ‘here and now’ body?  Doesn’t this mean I am giving up on the dream?  Little by little, the self-doubt became trust.  The misguided judgments and criticism turned into words of self protection, forgiveness and patience.  I began, for the first time, to really experience my life.

One of my students, a cancer survivor of 4 years, told me “I am four years old”.  His diagnosis spawned a change in lifestyle that enabled him to lose more than 200 lbs. and to overcome 15 operations.  As he so aptly put it, “I am living on borrowed time. My life began 4 years ago.”  The words of this inspirational man resonated with me.  While not a personal life or death situation, I feel what I learned from Intuitive Eating has given me a new birthday as well.

When contemplating a change in lifestyle, I often encourage my clients to reflect on what they will gain.  Answering the question “What’s in it for me?” can be a powerful motivator to sustain change.  A firm believer in the theory of practice what you preach, I began to think about what Intuitive Eating has given me over these last four years.  When the self-doubt creeps back in, as it inevitably does, I read my list.  This helps me appreciate how much I have learned.  I choose not to focus not on how far I still want to go, but just how far I have already come and I am inspired move on.

Here is just a sampling of my Intuitive Eating gifts.  With your help, I want to add to this list.  Together we can inspire and motive each other.

Here goes…

  1. Feeling comfortable around food.  Knowing that I can choose what is best for me.
  2. Pizza
  3. Silencing the food police
  4. Practicing patience, not perfection
  5. Being able to truly enjoy my food
  6. Knowing I am my best advocate… and really believing it.
  7. Trusting that I can stop eating when I am full
  8. Knowing I can eat when I am hungry
  9. Being able to wear clothes that fit (not trying to squeeze into my ‘skinny’ jeans)
  10. I have the power of choice
  11. Being able to experience my feelings and not stuff them down with food
  12. Exercising because it’s fun
  13. Pizza
  14. Enjoying an ice cream with my kids on a hot day
  15. Realizing that food is not the answer to my problems
  16. Being able to look in the mirror and not criticize everything I see
  17. Throwing away the scale
  18. Giving away my skinny jeans
  19. Exercising because of how it makes me feel
  20. Trusting my and honoring body’s needs
  21. Realizing there is more to me than the number on the scale
  22. Viewing ‘failures’ as an opportunities to learn
  23. Knowing I don’t have to be perfect
  24. Seeing the value of ‘play food’
  25. Experiencing a good piece of chocolate
  26. Appreciating my body for what it does each and every day
  27. Melted cheese on a slice of pizza (ok, sensing a theme?)
  28. ‘Quiet’ brownies… Knowing I can have them in the house, but don’t have to ‘eat them all’
  29. Being able to enjoy a dessert if I choose to
  30. The satisfaction that comes with eating something I really want
  31. Learning I can say no
  32. Asking for help if I need it
  33. Appreciating quiet, stillness
  34. Trusting my body’s wisdom, in all things
  35. Believing in myself
  36. Freedom from diet rules
  37. Not having to ‘diet down’ for special occasions
  38. Learning to respect and appreciate who I am
  39. Seeing how my confidence has translated to other areas of my life
  40. A sense of inner peace

What about you?  I would love to add your thoughts and ideas.  What has the practice of Intuitive Eating given you?

Authors note:  Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole, M.S., R.D. and Elyse Resch, M.S., R.D., F.A.D.A. teaches you how to make peace with food, stop chronic dieting and rediscover the pleasures of eating.  For more information, please visit their website: http://www.intuitiveeating.org.  I wish to sincerely thank the authors for their continued work.  They are inspirational professionals who have changed many lives!

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When the Words Return…

mirrorimage.I was hungry before teaching cycle.  Apparently, my snack didn’t have enough time to digest and class left me feeling nauseous and uncomfortable.  It was the pain in my throat that woke me in the the night but it was the thought in my head that stabbed me more… “Good, now maybe you will not be able to eat and you will lose weight.”

REALLY?  Those words haunted me like the monster under my bed did when I was a child.   How could I possibly still be having such a thought?  I have spent the last several years working as a coach and a mentor, sharing the benefits of mindful eating practices, discussing the how the pursuit body perfection kills our self-esteem and ruins our relationship with food and eating.  How could I still be thinking this way?

Six years ago, when I read Intuitive Eating for the first time, I instinctively knew I found what I had been looking for.  For the majority of my life I have been a prisoner of my own obsessive and destructive thoughts and behavior.  I was the lifetime dieter; toggling somewhere between binging/purging, restrictive eating, and excessive, punitive exercise.

Intuitive Eating taught me that the perfection I was striving for was a representation of  a largely unattainable fitness/beauty ideal created by society and the media.  I realized there is more to me as a person than just what I look like and I began to appreciate who I am and what I have to offer.  I paid attention to how ‘feeling fat’ changed my mood and became aware of how preoccupation with my appearance was interfering with my ability to live my life.  I learned how many advertising images are digitally altered making them both more appealing and less attainable.  I know and believe all this, yet I still find it difficult to look at my body in a mirror.

I am not aware of any hidden fascination with being a vampire as my reason for not having a mirror image.  Truth is, I am afraid.  For so many years, I listened to the words in my head… “You’re not good enough, strong enough or determined enough.  You’ll never succeed.  You lose weight and then gain it back, what is wrong with you?”  I am afraid of what I will ‘hear’ if I look.

If I fully believe in my heart and soul I am more than just an object to be looked at, compared to and judged, why would I think what I did?  How could I possibly want to deny my body nourishment in order to wear a smaller pants size?  Thankfully, I did not act upon this thought.  In fact, I’m grateful it happened.   It has made me aware that I am still struggling with my self-image.   This surprises me.  I have felt more free and in control since I discovered Intuitive Eating than any other time in my life.  I have let go of dieting and the food rules associated with them.  I eat when I am hungry and I eat what I want.  I worry less about food and as a result, I am able to enjoy living.  So what is keeping me stuck?

I know for certain changing my thinking is a process.  Intuitive Eating teaches us that we need to be patient.   There is no ‘wrong way’, only learning and discovery.  I have to remember to treat myself with patience, understanding and kindness.  I listened to those hurtful words for a very long time.  Change does not happen overnight.

In order to move on, I have to face my fears and look in the mirror.  I need to practice what I teach and focus on the things I like more than the things I don’t.  I need to acknowledge my accomplishments instead of what I have yet to do.  I remember what it was like living in that world when the only thing that mattered to me was the number on the scale.  Ironically, it wasn’t pretty.  Perfection does not exist and living my life in pursuit of it is a waste of valuable time.  Life is to short for that.

I now realize that the title of this blog is a misnomer.  I’m not sure that the words in my head ever truly went away; I instead chose not to address them.  Perhaps, up till now, I wasn’t ready to.  First, I needed to rebuild my relationship with food, for without that, I would not have the solid belief that I am doing what’s right for me.  This experience opened the door to where my work ahead is; finding true confidence in myself as a woman, inside and out.  I have always held the belief there will forever be something I can ‘fix’, but then again, maybe the true lesson is paying attention to who’s words are telling me that it’s ‘broken’ in the first place.  😉

To my readers:  I wrote this post today for a very important reason.  One of my main sources of support along my journey has been feeling that I am not alone.  Knowing there are others that have the same thoughts and fears that I do makes me feel understood and gives me comfort.  So here I am, sharing my fears.  Maybe you can relate and I don’t want you to feel alone.

One-A-Day Promise Campaign

Note:  This article is intended to be an online journal.  To make it easier for the readers who are following it, I will place the most recent entries near the top.  To start from the beginning and view the original article please click here.

Day 4:  I need a time-out!!

Have you ever found yourself munching on a handful of nuts, just because you walked by the bowl?  Ever visit the vending machine or the pantry instead of tackling an unwanted project?  Sometimes eating is ‘reactive’.  You may be responding to uncomfortable feelings and not even be aware of it.  Or sometimes, as with the nuts, it’s a mindless habit.  As a result, we may wind up eating  more than we need or even really want.

My goal today is to expand upon being present and mindful by practicing patience.  So here is an exercise for you (and me).  When I want to eat I am going to ask myself 2 questions.  “Am I biologically hungry?”  If so then I will keep my body fed and eat.  If not, I will take a time-out.  I will set a timer, between 5-15 minutes.  I will use this time to try to think about what I may actually be feeling.  If you are able, this is a great opportunity for some meditation or self-reflection.  After the time elapses, if I still want to eat what I had my sights set on, I will.

What’s in it for me?

I tend to be an impulsive eater.  I want stop and think about what I am doing before putting food in my mouth.  If I am not physically hungry, then what is really going on?  What do I really need at this moment?  The time-out gives me an opportunity to answer these questions.   Eating for emotional reasons will NOT solve my problems.   Thinking about what is bothering me is the first step to figure out how to handle it.  If it’s simply mindless eating, the time-out may distract me enough to forget all about my craving!  Ah, patience… it’s a good thing.

Day 3:  So what happens when things don’t go the way you think they ‘should’?

My focus last week was to pay more attention to my food.  For me, this also translates into eating generally because I am ‘stomach hungry’ and not to satisfy emotional needs.  Great!  But there were times this weekend that I found myself on ‘autopilot eating’ somewhere in that state of consciousness where I knew I was putting food in my mouth but I wasn’t fully connected to the experience.  I ate as a form of procrastination, because I was tired, bored, and as a sense of entitlement.  What a disaster!!!

Actually, thankfully, I tend to think in the contrary.  While eating for reasons other than true stomach hunger did not coincide with my goal, I was able to become aware of my actions.  I noticed, remembered and took full responsibility for these choices.  While it’s true, I may have been better off napping than nibbling, or taking a walk to ease my sense of boredom, there are worse ways I could be combating these issues.  Sounds like an excuse to you?  Well to me these are all opportunities to learn.  Life is full of these but first we have be able to notice them.  My journey to becoming an intuitive eater is not one where I seek perfection, it is one where I look to find my progress.

What’s in it for me? 

We all have choices.  My goal was to be mindful.  In one sense I ‘failed’ because I made choices that conflicted with my goals.  I could have chosen to beat myself up over my decision to eat.  If I had done that I would have been so consumed with my ‘failure’ I would have never been able to realize what was really going on.  Because I was trying to be mindful, I was able to stop and ask myself the question “what is it that you really need right now?”.  I doing so I could learn from my behavior.  In years past I never would have tried to notice what I was feeling.   If I can’t tune into the fact that I’m bored or procrastinating, how can I address the real issues?  Food is not the answer.

I have learned that self-acceptance is an important part to personal growth.  If we can’t accept our ‘mistakes’ and learn from them our only choice is perfection.  And that, for me, does not exist.

Day 2:  Can you name at least 5?… continuation of staying present while eating.

Life is not a perfect bubble you say?  Sometimes it’s not possible to totally focus on just eating!!  Ok, ok… I hear you.  And you are right.  My rule of thumb is this:  whenever I can, I focus my attention solely on eating.   Why should you?  (…inquisitive minds need to know)  Do you remember the “What’s in it for me?” question from yesterday?   Here’s what you’ll get:  more enjoyment from your food (provided that you chose something you really wanted in the first place), you’ll remember actually eating it, AND you’ll have a better chance to notice feeling full.

But what happens when it seems impossible to relax and focus on my meal?

This was my focus for day 2.  ‘can you name at least 5’.  Sometimes when I feel it’s impossible to totally focus on eating I challenge myself to notice at least 5 things.  I think about the color, texture, temperature, seasoning etc.  My lunchtime salad had lots of crunch (1).  The colors were bright (2) and consisted of red, green, orange and white.  The dressing had a little bit of spice (3) due to the pepper and was creamy(4).  My steak and broccoli that accompanied my salad was warm (5) and fulfilling.  The crunchy broccoli (6) contrasted with the soft rice noodles (7).

What’s in it for me?  Going through this mental exercise enables me to check in with myself, even if only for a moment. Pulling my attention back to my meal gives me a fighting chance to stay present and enables me to remember why it’s important to do so.  There’s nothing worse than looking down at an empty plate and having no recollection of eating any of it.  Talk about not being satisfied!!

I hope you find this exercise helpful … feel free to share your thoughts 🙂


Original Article:

Welcome 2013!  With thImagee dawning of a new year, attention usually gets focused on ‘new beginnings’ and I am no different.  This morning I thought about how I could reinforce my Intuitive Eating principles and lose some of the bad habits that have re-emerged over the last few weeks.

I usually approach any task by breaking it down into smaller, more specific chunks.  That’s when the one-a-day promise occurred to me.  I thought about making a daily promise to myself to put an extra effort towards ‘something‘.  Not very specific you say… and you are right.  But goals change.  As long as I do ‘something’ that is important to me, I will be keeping my promise.

Currently, I want to focus on Intuitive Eating.  A few days ago, on my Intuitive Eating Support Facebook page, I posted a poll asking my readers what they thought their biggest challenges with the process have been.  (If you would like to add your two cents to this poll, click here)  I have also taught several workshops on Intuitive Eating and have found that staying present while eating is a pretty consistent challenge for many of us.  That’s why I decided to start my journey here.

Having a sense of accountability is also paramount for me to stay ‘on track’.  This is the purpose of this post.  When my journey relates specifically to Intuitive Eating I will publish it.  Hopefully my experiences will be a source of inspiration and support for you and keep me focused on my promise to myself.

Day 1:  Staying present while eating

If you have ever tried this, you are well aware it is not as easy as it sounds.  Eating my breakfast this morning, I found my mind wandering towards writing this post!!  In order to truly enjoy AND remember eating my food, I had to clear my thoughts and focus my attention entirely on my meal.  When I did this, I became aware of something interesting.  After I had eaten about 3/4 of my food, I felt physically warmer.  While this may seem strange to you, I have noticed this before.  It’s almost as if my internal thermostat turned on.  Usually, this is a sign that I am getting full.  I ate 2-3 more spoonfuls and decided I had had enough.

Day 1,  What’s in it for me?

“What’s in it for me?”  Do you ever ask yourself this question when you have something you need to do?  I try to ask it often.  My Grandmother told me once, “Where there is a will, there is a way”.  If I am aware of what I will get out of something, I am more inclined to do it.  So part of my journal is going to be answering this question.

What’s in it for me?  Staying present enabled me to enjoy my food.  It also helped me to notice when I was getting full.  (In my personal experience as well as a workshop facilitator, I have found that feeling fullness can be another challenging task)

Day one done.  Simple enough.   What about you?  Would you like to join my campaign and start your own journal?  If not, feel free to follow me and offer your comments and thoughts.

To be continued…
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Four years later and the cookie wins… sort of.

Christmas-Angel-Cookies

It’s Christmas Eve and I am looking out of my kitchen widow eating a cookie.  Most of the holiday chores are done, the evening meal is planned, the gifts are wrapped but I am unsettled.  The holidays are anxious times for me but I remain steady as I search for peace in my heart.

My attention is on  my cookie.  What is it about this sweet mixture of chocolate, flour and sugar that draws me to it?  For much of my life I have engaged in overindulgent eating as an attempt to manage uneasy emotions.  Food has been both a source of comfort as well as an vehicle for despair.  I now realize turning to food in order to ease emotional pain is but a temporary solution.  The joy I receive from eating to sooth is fleeting.  The problems do not go away and the pain and guilt I feel in the aftermath is long lasting.

My thoughts and attention remain on the cookie.  Each bite is sweet and chewy.  I eat it slowly and enjoy it.  I am fully aware that I am on my second cookie.  I could have easily been satisfied with just one, but today I am having a second one.  I am not hungry and know I am anxious.  I worry that I am eating out of pure emotion … and part of of me is.  But today it’s o.k. because there is a difference.  A little over 4 years ago I discovered Intuitive Eating.  It is here I learned of the depth of my emotional eating.  Before becoming an Intuitive Eater I would be putting food in my mouth in a comatose state.  This was my drug. It would help me cope, but it the long run caused me nothing but guilt and anguish.

Today, however, I am fully aware of my actions.  I realize that I am making a choice.  Yes, part of me knows that I am eating beyond what I ‘need’.  I had my sweet, and did not feel guilty.  I truly enjoyed it. I also know that my one cookie today would have been a dozen or more in years past.  I will not lie to you, part of me wishes I stopped at just one.  But there is another part, a deeper part that knows changes take time.  I am far better off than I was 5 years ago.  Today I made an important choice.  Instead of reaching for a third and fourth, I chose to refocus my attention and share my thoughts here.   Each and every baby step I take will form giant steps.  This I know in my heart to be true.

My wish for you, today and everyday, is to continue to take those baby steps.   Each one builds everlasting strength.  May you find the love and comfort you seek, be able to spend time with those you love, and trust and believe enough in your abilities to make your best choices.  My wish for you and me is to find peace in our hearts.

May you all have a happy, healthy, holiday season.

Chasing Thinness — Your Ideal or Mine?

This morning I watched a spider weave her web.  Like an aerialist, she crossed back and forth from the chair to the table edge performing her task.  The intricacy of her work was only visible to me when the sun caught it’s reflection.  I thought about how beautiful spider webs can be, if you take the time to notice them.  I also considered if it’s that beauty that ultimately captures its prey  …

I work in the fitness industry where accomplishments are defined by numbers “How much weight have you dropped?”  “What’s your body fat %?”  “How many inches have you lost?”   Coveted images of the ripped, hard rock abs of the long and lean set the standards; this is what you could look like, IF you work hard enough.  Some consider  this inspiration… I have to question, is it?  For many these statements and visions foster a sense of friendly competition, for me, they can be a constant reminder of what I am not.

I have lived the life of the extreme exerciser and dieter.  I have lost weight and gained it back.  I have exercised to the point of exhaustion and chronic injury but could not stop.  I have struggled with my eating from the extremes of not eating to binge eating, all in an attempt to control my weight and ‘fit the image’.  I am now a practicing Intuitive Eater.  I have found a peace and balance that enables me to eat and exercise reasonably.  I am happy and in a place I never thought possible, but fully aware that at times, the lure of the web still taunts me.

When my main reason to exercise was attaining my ‘magic numbers’ I firmly believed that when I weighed 120 lbs. or wore a size 4 I could feel accomplished;  then I could be proud of who I was.  It was during this time I felt most out of control.  I was willing to do ANYTHING in order to look the way I thought I needed to look.  I was defining my self-worth from the outside in.  If I had stopped to pay attention, I would have noticed my actions weren’t making me feel good.  Physically, I was hurt and exhausted.  Emotionally I beat myself up.  If I strayed from my regimen I chastised myself for having no willpower.  I wasn’t strong enough.  I wasn’t good enough.

Finally, after years of feeling like a failure, I stopped and asked myself “Why?”.  What was I accomplishing other than making myself miserable?  That’s when I realized the truth:  the standards that I fought so hard for were not my own.  I was trying to be what I thought I needed to be… Instead, I needed to be honest with myself and question, what did I really want?  My answer was simply health and to remain physically active.  In order to do that I would have to treat my body differently.  Over exercising and starving myself were not helping me achieve my goals, they were pulling me further away.

For me, thoughts of thinness are a compulsive trap.  If I allow myself to get too caught up in the ideals of ‘body perfection’ I can fall prey to my former life;  translation:  you are not good enough.  Becoming an Intuitive Eater taught me to respect and appreciate my ‘here and now’ body for what it CAN do.  I am not a size 4 or weigh 120lbs. but today I make choices based on what’s important to me.  Instead of deriving my motivation negatively, always telling myself what I am not, I choose to appreciate who I am, and work patiently towards who I aspire to be.

Unless you live under a rock,  it is hard to get away from what we perceive to be the  ‘thin and beautiful’.  I would be lying to you if I said I don’t occasionally find myself thinking about what could be.  This is when I feel most vulnerable… stuck in my spider web.  When pervasive thoughts of thinness pop back into my head I know I need to stay grounded.   Here are some thoughts that help keep me connected to my ‘here and now’.

  • Be sure that what you seek is something that’s important to you.  Honesty required:  What is my motivation to lose weight?  My current weight is healthy for me… what is making me think I need to lose weight?
  • What will accomplishing this goal give you?  Clothes shopping may be more fun.  Seriously, do I really think others will perceive me as more accomplished if I am thinner?  If so, do I really want these people in my life?
  • Are the actions necessary to attain this goal congruent with your values and beliefs?  I believe strongly in health for body and soul… Are starving myself or denying myself foods I enjoy only to be thinner healthy actions?
  • How can this hurt you?  For me, focusing on weight loss leads to absolutes; ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods or days.  A ‘bad’ day leads to feelings of  shame, guilt, no willpower, and failure.  Is this how I want to live my life?
  • Would you encourage your son/daughter to follow your behavior?  I want to encourage my kids to look beyond appearances only.   Am I setting a good example by emphasizing the importance of being thin?  
  • Can your goals be met in other ways?  Back to question 1, what is my motivation?  Is it feeling better about myself?  Isn’t a commitment to treat my body with respect something I should be proud of and feel good about?  
  • Is pursuit of your goal denying you enjoyment in other areas of your life?   Am I putting my life on hold?  Wrote a whole blog about this one!!  You can read about it in You Matter.

As a personal trainer, the majority of my clients come to me because they want to lose weight.  If I ask them what weight loss is going to give them, they almost always tell me losing weight makes them feel better about themselves.  What I want most for my clients is to help them understand that making a commitment to treat their body well IS an accomplishment to be proud of.  Acknowledge who you are right now; appreciate what you can do; and look forward to realizing what you can become.  Your life is here and now, not 15 or 20 pounds from now, right now.

I would like to offer this Abraham-Hicks quote:

You can be fully satisfied with where you are, understanding that you’re eternally evolving. When you get into that place of feeling appreciation of where you are and of who you are, and appreciation of what you are, and you accept that you are a never-ending, always unfolding Being, then you can stand in that delicate balance of being optimistic about what is to come, without being unhappy about where you stand. Find a way of eagerly anticipating future changes, while at the same time you are in love and satisfied with who, what, where and how you be.  

If your are having a tough time achieving your goals, take the time to re-evaluate what you seek.  Chasing thinness did not work for me because it did not come from my heart.  In order to achieve the image I believed to have been set for me, I had to disrespect my body.  Now I understand the importance of  staying true to who I am and to pursue what has meaning and a purpose for me.  Learn to question where your motivations come from.  If it’s always a place of negativity (I’m so fat, I need to lose weight), stop and listen to the words you say to yourself.  Is this how you would choose to motivate your children?   Do your actions feel right to you?  Don’t let others set the standards, believe in yourself enough to define your own.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Always looking for new inspiration and motivatation, I subscribe to several different sources.  This morning I read an article that caught my attention.  In “12 Lies To Stop Telling Yourself”*  I found one point of particular interest to me:

I am stuck with people who hurt me. – Life is too short.  Look out for yourself.  If someone continuously mistreats you, have enough respect for yourself to leave them.  It may hurt for a while, but it’ll be OK.  You’ll be OK.  Oftentimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.

Reading and absorbing those words made me think of dieting.  In her book, Life Without Ed, best selling author Jenni Schaefer associates a persona to her eating disorder.  She called him ED.  In doing so, she was able to separate and free herself from this destructive relationship.  Breaking free from the dieting world can be like that too.

What is a dieter to do?  I am stuck.  I want to lose weight.  I need to lose weight.  I decide to diet.  I am good for awhile, but then I start wanting the foods I can’t have.  I give into my cravings and eat way too much!  I am out of control.  Now I feel guilty.  I broke the rules, again.   What is wrong with me? … I have NO willpower.  I will be better this time.  My diet begins again.

STOP.  Ask yourself, “What exactly is different this time?”  What is going to make your diet work this time?  Being stuck in the world of dieting is like being in a bad relationship.  Re-read the words above… Life is too short.  Look out for yourself.  It is in your best interest to think about your health, emotionally as well as physically.  Consistently putting yourself in a place that causes you stress, feelings of guilt and shame doesn’t feel good.  Thinking that you aren’t good enough as you are is mistreating yourself.

Breaking up is hard to do.  It’s scary at first because this is the world you have always  known.  Sometimes we remain in bad relationships because we know what to expect.  Been there, done that.  But for me, I decided enough was enough.  I owed it to myself to break away.  Why consistently expose myself to a place that was not helping?  If dieting worked, I should have been a model by now!  I have spent the better part of 30 years stuck in that relationship.  It wasn’t working and only left me feeling miserable about myself.

I had a choice.  I decided to walk away.  Intuitive Eating gave me the skills and confidence to divorce myself from my unhealthy relationship with dieting and poor body image.  I now feel empowered because I have choices.  I no longer have to “follow” the diet rules.  I can choose, according to what my body tells me I need.  I have trust and faith in myself to know what is best for me.  Ultimately, I am my own best advocate.  I am the expert of my body.  Learning to trust myself, and break away has given me the peace and freedom I have longed for.

Oftentimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.  I have learned to respect myself.  I broke up and I am happy.  I am worth it… and you know what?  So are you!

* Source:  Marc and Angel Hack Life, Practical Tips for Productive Living, http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/03/12/12-lies-to-stop-telling-yourself/

Special thanks to Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch for giving me my life back.  For more information on Intuitive Eating:  www.intuitiveeating.org

You Matter

Last night, I had a great time with some friends from college.  Oddly enough, there was a time in my life when I may not have even gone.  Last night would have been an “event” for me; something that I had to prepare for.  I’m not talking about a new outfit, I mean a whole new me… because back then, the old me was never “good enough”.

Let’s make this simple… an event called for the “diet-down” and the weeks leading up to it typically went like this:

  • You need to lose weight!
  • Diet more, eat less!  … time is running short!!!
  • Work harder, exercise more!
  • If you don’t lose weight, you don’t deserve to go.
Possible scenarios?  Oh yeah, these were great:
  • If I “allowed” myself to go I wasn’t fully present.  I felt self-conscious and preoccupied.  I played the body-check game and compared myself to my friends.  Someone thinner or more fit than me meant I didn’t try hard enough.  And, of course, dieting down usually meant I’d gain the weight back (or even more) when the event was over.
  • If I didn’t lose “enough”, or even worse I gained weight (typical when I pressured myself to lose)… I couldn’t go at all.  Missing good times in my life because of the scale, oh yes this makes sense.

Is it all worth it?  Life goes by quickly.  Watching my children grow from helpless infants to independent young adults in what seems to be a blink of an eye helped me realize this.  I began to notice what I was missing.  I started questioning what all this worrying and obsessing over my weight was gaining me.   My thoughts began to shift.  I learned to appreciate myself for who I am, from the inside out first.  There is much more to me than my jean size.  Focusing on the positive things I have to offer took the focus away from my appearance.  I felt happier and freer.  I realized I need to respect who I am right now, in this very moment… not the person I thought I needed to be.  It finally dawned on my how much of my life was passing me by!  I had a choice.  I could continue on this self-destructive path that never left me feeling good about myself or I could begin to accept me for who I am and enjoy what my life had to offer me.

I have a challenge for you.   Think of 3  influential people in your life; individuals whom you admire and look up to.  Why are they important you?  What characteristics make them special?  Do these qualities have anything to do with their weight?  No matter what your size, you matter.  You have things that only you can offer.  There are people in your life who depend on you and look up to you.  By putting your life on hold or not being fully present in it, you cheat yourself and those around you from getting the very best of you!  You can’t enjoy life if you don’t allow yourself to experience it!

I did buy a new outfit for dinner last night but that was the extent of my “preparation”.  Instead of stressing, I found myself looking forward to being able to share a night with some special people.  We remembered (or at least tried to remember LOL) the fun times we had, shared stories about our families and our lives.   We had many laughs and a lot of fun.  And the best part, I was there, enjoying every bit of it 🙂

Give Yourself the Gift of ‘The Experience’

Recently, through the magic of computer networking, I was reconnected with a close friend from high school.  It has been nearly 30 years since we last spoke so it was fun to reminisce and discuss the different paths our lives have taken.

Taking the time to catch up turned out to be a good lesson for me.  It was enlightening to reflect upon my life experiences.  We learn and accomplish many things along the way, but sometimes we forget or don’t acknowledge our achievements. Looking back can heighten your awareness of how much you actually have done and in turn make you more confident in your abilities to take on new challenges.

From the perspective of a practicing Intuitive Eater, remembering my high school days with my friend was eye opening.  It was during this time that many of my struggles with eating formalized.  I was a chubby teen trying to fit it.  I was an emotional eater (although I didn’t realize it then) stuffing down uncomfortable feelings with large amounts of food and following it with punitive exercise.  As I reflected upon this, it became very obvious to me how easily these patterns developed.  At a time in your life, when you are willing to do “whatever it takes to fit it”, even abnormal behaviors seem normal.

Looking back I was amazed at how long the “food police”, food rules and restrictive eating were a part of me.  In my mind, I was never good enough, and never would be, until I weighed that magical weight.  Now, sadly, I think about all the wasted time… all the worry, all the missed opportunities that didn’t happen because I was unhappy with my appearance.  But I also realized something else… by re-examining my life’s journey I was able to think about how far I have come, how much I was actually able to overcome and how, because of this experience, I can now view my world in a much healthier way.

Like the lessons of life, learning to become an Intuitive Eater is a process.  There are many roads you can travel; may ways to get to the same destination.  When we stop and think about how we got here and what we have learned along the way, even the “wrong” turns are right.   These moments are the valuable ones.  Reflecting upon the choices we made and why we felt they were or weren’t the right ones for us is when true learning takes place.  It has been my experience that these “wrong way adventures” are always the pre-cursors to personal growth.

We learn a lot from books but while the knowledge you obtain is valuable and necessary, it is really your experiences that are the best teachers.  Giving yourself the chance to try new things builds confidence and gains trust.  One of the fundamental pieces to Intuitive Eating is learning to trust yourself… trusting your internal cues for hunger and satiety.  Trusting that your body knows what is good for you to eat.  Trusting yourself to believe you can change your behavior.  But there is fear in that.  I understand this fear because I lived it.  It is scary to have to “break a food rule”.  But how will you know that you can stop at one piece of chocolate if you never allow yourself to eat any of it?  Experience teaches you that you can.

Think of the new mother who wonders if she will ever figure out how to sooth her crying infant.   She has no choice but to keep trying.  With patience and nurturing, mom and dad learn what is best for their child. Learning Intuitive Eating can be like that too.  You have to be patient and kind.  It is not always going to be perfect; there is no “right way”.  Your journey to becoming an Intuitive Eater is as individual and unique as you are.  It is a process that takes time.  Be gentle with yourself as you learn what works best for you. Enjoy your journey!

Feelings of trepidation and insecurity are normal when learning something new.  But think about all the things you may have missed out on if you let fear stand in your way!  Giving yourself the experience enables you grow as an individual.  Have faith in your abilities.  Reflect upon your past and remind yourself that you have conquered many new challenges before.  Think about some of your life’s proudest accomplishments.  More than likely you are proud of them because there was a time that you weren’t sure you could achieve your goal.  Acknowledge the fact that you did then and by believing in yourself, you will again.

One of my biggest ‘aha’ moments

I heard a song today and it made me smile.  It brought me back to one of my biggest ‘aha’ moments since I started re-learning how to eat intuitively.  ‘With Arms Wide Open’ by Creed was the song and my aha moment came as I was sweeping the kitchen floor and crying…

My story begins 2 years ago.  I was relatively new to intuitive eating.  I had just learned how to ‘make peace with food’ …well at least I thought I had.  The day was a beautiful spring day.  I decided I wanted to spruce up my living room by buying new curtains.  Up until this point, I have always made my curtains and buying them different for me.  As I shopped, I found myself getting more and more frustrated because I had an idea in my head as to what I wanted and couldn’t quite find it …hence the reason I have always made my own.

I found my mood seemed to really darken as I left the store (empty handed) which I thought was rather unusual, given the circumstances I mean really?  I couldn’t find curtains?  Big whoop… if that’s the worst thing that happens in my life I guess I’m not doing too badly.  

I picked up my son from school and he asked for a DQ.  I figured spending that time together would be fun!  When we got there, I thought about getting a cone too.  I had just learned to ‘make peace with food’.  I decided that yes, I was going to get one.  I wanted one and wanted to give myself the chance to really enjoy it, without guilt or shame.  I have plenty of friends who eat soft-serve and they don’t have ‘problems’ with their weight.  I owed it to myself to have this experience.  Today was going to be my day!

I was proud.  I enjoyed my cone without any guilt or remorse.  I felt satisfied and happy.  My mood seemed to change, however, when I came home to my naked windows.  Before I knew what hit me, the binge fest began… cereal, crackers, bread.  I honestly don’t remember what I got my hands into, but then again binges were usually like that.  I numbed myself with food.  It didn’t take too long before I felt sick to my stomach.  Not only did I feel physical pain, but I felt deflated.  An hour before I felt happy and satisfied, and now this…  and for what?  Curtains??? Really?  I did this to myself for curtains???  I thought I had been making such progress with Intuitive Eating… now, again, I felt like a total failure.

To make matters worse, that night was a big night for our family.  My son, who was graduating, was in a talent show at his High School.  They had been practicing daily for weeks and the show was something we were all looking forward to.  Waiting for the program to begin, my husband seemed to sense I was upset and asked if I was o.k.  He was unaware of my binge eating habits and therefore had no idea what was going on in my head …of course, I realize now, neither did I.  I was was angry and embarrassed with myself for my behavior earlier in the day.  Lost in my thoughts, I felt angrier and angrier.  I was missing things in my life that would never happen again.  I was not going to be able to enjoy my son’s performance as I should have because I felt so awful.  I knew this behavior had to stop.

 The next day I was sweeping the floor and ‘With Arms Wide Open’ came on the radio.  Before I knew what was happening I was openly  sobbing.  This was the song my son performed in the talent show the night before.  At this moment I was finally awakened to what had been really bothering me all along.  My first born was about to graduate High School and was heading off to college!  My life, his life, our lives as a family;  it was all changing so rapidly.  I knew, even though I will always be his mother, it is never going to be the same.  He was heading into adulthood.  As happy as I was happy for him, I also felt very sad and empty… my baby was growing up and moving on.

This was a defining moment for me.  Until then, I didn’t really understood why I was so troubled the day before.  It had nothing to do with the curtains.  I was experiencing the significant feelings of loss, uncertainty and worry that every parent faces when their children grow up and move on.  Up to this point in my life, uncomfortable feelings led me to unconsciously reach for food as a way to comfort and numb.

My reaction today would be very different than it was back then.  I know now to stop, before I reach for food.  I ask myself if I am hungry?  If the answer is no, then I become curious.  What else may be going on to make me reach for food? Sometimes there isn’t an immediate answer, and for me, I find that it is o.k. to say I feel ‘uncomfortable’.  When in this situation, I will turn to friends or other activities that make me feel better.  Had I taken the time, two years ago, to really sit with my feelings I would have realized that it was natural to feel sad.  Food didn’t make my problems go away, it only made me feel worse.   At that time in my life, that was the only coping mechanism I knew.  Now I try harder to experience my feelings so that I can deal with them in a healthier way… for my heart, head and my stomach 🙂

Yet another lesson Self-Acceptance (5/2/11)

We got a new front door.  That means paint.  For those of you who know me and my type A personality, it comes without question that the painting will not limited to the new door but will include the adjoining rooms and while we are at it, why not do all the rooms?   If you are going to make a mess, then make a mess! And so it begins.  I was ready.

I dug out my old paint pants, knowing full well they were going to be a little snug.  But to my dismay, they were more than that, they were tight!  I was disappointed, but continued wearing them as they are the only ones I have.

I went about my day, thinking all morning about my jeans.  I could feel myself getting more anxious.  I began to think about our discussion in our Intuitive Eating support group last night… and losing weight.  I began questioning my beliefs.  I started wondering what I was “doing wrong”.  I thought about the scale.  I thought about how many calories I had eaten already… I began thinking all these things and felt bad, real bad.  My painting, instead of the refreshing facelift I wanted for my house, became a tedious chore.

My thoughts shifted to my dieting days.  Contemplating new diets was always exciting!  Whenever I felt like I did today, dieting was my answer!  There was something wrong with me and was going to be proactive and fix it!  At least that’s how it used to be.  As I began to really remember, I got beyond the “exciting” part.  I thought about restricting calories, keeping food logs, being hungry, feeling deprived, being upset and the food police…. I remembered how I would be “very good” for 3-4 days, and then I would binge and feel out of control.  The feelings of shame, guilt and ultimate failure all came flooding back to me.

My mental breaks came on!   No more!!!  My psychological health and wellbeing is too important.  I began to reflect on where I am now.  I don’t binge anymore.  I do not get anxious when I am at a party, as I was yesterday, wondering what I “can” or “can’t” eat.  I had one piece of cake and was happy and done.  I don’t beat myself up mentally anymore.  I don’t play the body check game either.  I can eat pasta and pizza and be o.k. with it.  I didn’t raid the kids Easter Baskets and feel nauseous and guilt ridden.  Yes, I like where I am much better than where I used to be.

I know it is normal to still have the desire to lose weight.  But I also know that should I drop a few pounds, it will be a nice side-effect of normalizing my relationship with food.  I am taking care of my body; the best way I know how.  I am learning a new process and it’s going to take time.

Today was a big day for me… I felt a little rocked to the core.  But I feel much more solid now.  I have re-affirmed my beliefs.  And do you want to know the irony of all this?  When I got dressed this morning to teach my class, I thought I looked good.  Amazing! I am a work in progress, and I am ready again to enjoy the journey!

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